Some short jokes about Canada

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

What do you call a hot day in Canada? A Nova Scorcha!

Canada is not a vast empty woodland. Our monetary system proves our civility. 5 beavers is worth a caribou 4 caribous are worth a loon And 2 loons are worth a polar bear.

Dear Americans: It’s called snow. It’s cold and wet, but can’t hurt you from inside the house. It has no opposable thumbs. #AskCanada

When Canada abolished the penny there was no public protest at all… …I guess Canada fears change

On Canada Day, I like to say “HAPPY CANADA DAY!” to people. But quietly. And from a distance. I don’t want to be a bother.

What do you get when you mix a red tie and a shit hair cut? Mexico and Canada scratching their heads thinking, how the FUCK!?

If Donald Trump becomes president, he’ll increase taxes, he’ll increase borders… And the population of Canada.

How do you know when your BBQ is ready in Canada in April? The snow on top of it has melted.

How do you kill a one-legged fox? You make him run across Canada…

To all the “I’m moving to Canada” people out there, you’re being ridiculous. You won’t be far enough to escape the nuclear fallout. Shoot for New Zealand or Australia.

I bet the murder rate is so low in Canada because you have to go 300 miles to find someone to kill.

What happened when Canada got rid of the penny? Canadians became *penniless*

If Trump wins, why should you move to Mexico instead of Canada? Because there’ll be an actual wall keeping you from Trump

How do you spell Canada? C-Eh?-N-Eh?-D-Eh?

Electing Trump would really strengthen our dollar Sincerely, Canada

Canada in view of recent events will be changing the maple leaf on the flag to a marijuana plant. That way the people of Quebec will have good reason to burn the flag.

Sure, Canada, feel safe now while US is just after oil. Wait ’til we run low on beer, ice, hockey players & f’d up ways to pronounce words.

Say what you want about Canada but they successfully got rid of Justin Bieber.

Canada’s four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.

In support of France, Canada opens new French province called “Quebec.”

How do you kill a one legged Fox? Make him run across Canada

Ok America. You’ve made us chuckle with this whole Trump 2016 thing. But if we see Kanye 2020 happen… No. More. SYRUP. Love, Canada

What borders stupidity? Canada and Mexico.

What did the guy from Northern Canada have to say about the place? He wanted Nunavut.

How did Canada get its name? They picked random letters out of a hat. C…. eh? N… eh? D….eh?

What’s the most popular board game in Canada Sorry.

in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.

My neighbor is loud and obnoxious Now I know how Canada feels

Wife: Hit the light. *flicks switch (wrong light) *flicks another (fan) *flicks (disposer) *flicks (nothing) *flicks (some light in Canada)

What did the one explorer say to the other when they arrived in Northern Canada? Eh, you take this one. I don’t want Nunavut. PS: I realize it’s a double negative.

66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”

Before you move to Canada after Trump gets elected, just know that it’s May 13th and it’s currently snowing here.

Researchers in Canada have reported finding a superconductor that they say works at room temperature.

I bet sometimes Captain America has to call Captain Canada for help, like if he needs to convert miles into kilometers.

What borders on silly? Mexico & Canada

Justin Beiber fell off stage last night at a concert in Canada. He suffered only minor injuries according to his gynecologist.

What was the internet speed in Canada in the 1990’s? 56eh.

Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin? A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.

I just discovered that Australia has a Canada day each year on 26 of May

How do you kill a one legged fox? Make him run across Canada

What do you call Justin Bieber’s singing? Canada Dry.

I joined a nudist colony in Canada. To be honest, I’m starting to get cold feet.

I find the biggest difference in Canada vs the US is they don’t put your lids on for you at Starbucks and exponentially less gun violence.

New sexual position: The Canada. You climb on top and don’t do much.

Canada has done well in removing the patriarchal effect on its society. Even their economy reflects it – now, _every_ worker gets 77 cents for every dollar earned.

50% of Canada Is the letter A

One day Canada will conquer the galaxy… And they’ll call it the *Milky Eh*.

The minimum wage in Canada is 9 compliments an hour

Canada is 50% “a”

How do you kill a fox? Cut off a leg and make it run across Canada

My company moved offices and wanted to transfer my job to northern Canada But I was having nunavut.

Someone told me Canada had no territories… I was having Nunavut.

A pharmaceutical company in Canada is offering $47 billion to buy the company that makes Botox. People at Botox were pretty excited I mean, you should’ve seen the look that wasn’t on their faces.

What is bordering stupidity? Canada and Mexico both are.

Only a few weeks left before Election Day in the US and I am still undecided… …if I should move to Canada or New Zealand.

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

how did canada choose its name? They pulled letters out of a hat. C, eh N, eh D, eh

When in Canada, what is Bruce Lee’s favorite vegetable? Carrot-eh

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.

Here in Canada, we leave everything unlocked so that burglars don’t risk getting glass in their hand when they punch through our windows.

How do you kill a one legged fox? Have it run across Canada. (maybe only Canadians will get this)

In Canada we don’t have cars. we just float around on apology clouds and nobody ever gets sad or dies.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.

Does Canada even have a president? Or is it just whichever moose has the strongest antlers?

All the liberals want to move to Canada… What’s wrong with Mexico, you racist fucks?

What do Stephan Harper and pennies have in common? They’re both useless in Canada.

How do you kill a one-legged fox? Make him run across Canada.

So, Noah found two polar bears in the Mideast? And after the flood, he took them back to Canada? That sounds plausible. #GodScience

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international? Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country. Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

I baked a cake shaped like Canada, and offered my brother the Quebec slice…. but he’s having Nunavut.

This Christmas… This Christmas, Donald Trump’s hair becomes sentient and nukes canada. Only one Democratic Socialist can prevent a total World War. Bernie Sanders stars… in HELL TOUPEE

Winter is a lot like Justin Bieber. It was cute and exciting in the begining, but now its a bit annoying and it should probably just stay in Canada.

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

What is a difference between those who left USSR for Canada in 1972 and those who left USSR in and after 1991. In 1972, people ran from Socialism, and in 1991 into Socialism.

looks like our killer left his calling card. 5 cents/min to canada, 7c/min to puerto rico. he knows what he’s doing.

A Sikh man had to face street harassment, teasing and rude jokes about his homeland and fellow countrymen in America. Why are we so mean to Canada guys ?

What language do eagles program in? [C#](

I want to start a customizable shoe store in Canada I’m gonna call it “It’s All About You”

How do you celebrate July 4th in Canada? Not by getting drunk and blowing off your fingers, because it’s just a regular day fir you.

Eminem’s “8 Mile” wasn’t very well received in Canada I guess the title “12.8748 Kilometer” just isn’t as catchy.

My friend would not believe Canada has a new prime minister It’s Tru-deau.

how do you piss of a frenchman? ask him what part of canada he’s from

Got busted for shoplifting once in Canada and had to deal with their whole irritating Good Cop/Great Cop routine.

In Canada , we have two seasons… six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.

USA: “Hey, Canada, can you hold this for a second?” Canada: “OK.” *USA hands Detroit to Canada* *USA quickly walks away.*

Canada has crack?

I’m glad Canada won. Beating them in hockey would like telling Yo-Yo Ma that the cello sucks. He’s a nice dude, let him be into the cello.

Winter is like the Justin Bieber of seasons… It was kind of cute and exciting when it first started out, now its a bit obnoxious and should probably just stay in Canada.

What is the equivalent to Area-51 in Canada? Area-51, A

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point. Will you take winter back now? Please?

Why is Canada the part of the Illuminati? Because they have 3 ehs in the name. C-eh-N-eh-D-eh

Prostitution problems are had in Canada because… We use $1 and $2 coins. You can’t throw those at strippers. Some of us ignore this problem and use Canadian Tire money.

Why do the birthers…? Why do the Birthers care about where Barack Obama was born (Hawaii, not Kenya) and not where Ted Cruz was born (Canada, not Texas)? Because Barack Obama is black.

with all of Canada’s recent Olympic successes … I was just thinking that we must … have been on our ‘eh’ game. YEEEAAAHHH!!!

How do you kill a fox? Give it one leg and make it run across Canada

In Canada, Miles Davis is known as Kilometers Davis.

Canada already has a wall that keeps out the Mexicans… Its called the United States.

For the Canadians (Warning: Offensive) How do you kill a fox with one leg? Make him run across Canada.

Did you know Canada was originally going to be called “CND”? When they were asked to spell it, they spelled it: C-eh. N-eh. D-eh.

How do you kill a fox? Give him a fake leg and make him run across Canada.

There are rumours big Canadian banks Scotia and TD may merge… giving Canada one giant STD

In Canada, every board game is called “Sorry!”

Why did the US citizen cross the road? To cross the border into Canada.

How do you kill a fox? Cut off one leg and drag it across Canada.

School in Canada makes non-vaccinated students stay home to halt the spread of measles. Better safe than sorry.

What part of Canada do the Inuit control? Nunavut.

How do you kill a fox? Cut off one of it’s legs and make it run across Canada

How did Canada get its name? They had a bag of letters, and one person announced as he picked each letter out ” ‘C’, eh, ‘N’, eh, ‘D’, eh”.

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.

Two clowns are running for public office… It’s funny for me though because I live in Canada.

Your favorite drink must be ginger ale….. cause you leave every girl in Canada Dry.

I have to be honest, before the Winter Olympics I just thought Canada was a place Michael Moore made up.

How did Canada get it’s name? The forefathers decided the best way to name their new country was to pick letters out of a hat. “C eh, n eh, d eh”

Large tsunami hits Mexico – 300k were killed… …Canada sends money, Brazilia sends food, USA sends 300k mexicans.

Some day, Canada will take over the world. And then we’ll all be sorry.

To the “Remain” crowd in Britain… come to Canada! Half of the US is moving here soon anyhow.

What letter appears most frequently in the word CANADA?

Sarah Palin admitted she used to get health care in Canada & Glenn Beck admitted he used to get his human baby sacrifices from Canada.

The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”

Earlier I joked that Toronto was the capital of Canada. “Joked” being the operative word. Everyone knows only real countries have capitals.

Joke regarding Canada What’s a Canadian’s favourite weapon? An Eh k-47

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

What does Rob Schneider say when he visits Canada? Yukon do it!

Why couldn’t the FBI find Sepp Blatter’s bribe money? He used it all to bribe Canada to host the Women’s World Cup.

How many people from Quebec does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One: He holds the bulb and the rest of Canada revolves around him.

SPECIAL COLUMBUS DAY SALE: For $300 you can drive one of our vans into Canada and claim you discovered it.

How much of northern Canada is livable? *Nunavut*

What do you call a German living in Canada? A leder hoser.

What’s the best way to kill a one-legged fox? You make him run across Canada…

Canada got rid of the penny. It makes no cents.

Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber

Why can’t Canada win wars? Because they’ll blow you up and then apologize.

Since Canada isn’t making the penny anymore-did the price of a thought just go up to a nickel?

The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.

How do you spell Canada in Canadian? C EH N EH D EH

You know how to spell “Canada” right? “C – Eh – N – Eh – D – Eh”

What’s the name of the elite hacking group from Canada? Anonymoose

[Alien monster is levelling Toronto] CANADAMAN: Excuse me, sir, SIR, could you stop please? SIR?

Growing up in Canada, Taco Bell commercials were surprisingly different. At the end of each ad, they sang: “Make a run…for the border. And then the next border.”

Canada has seasons: Almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.

Canada day isn’t about cheap jokes, you guys. You’re forgetting what the holiday is all aboot.

Summer was especially good this year in Canada… If I recall correctly it was a friday

“If Trump wins I’m moving to Canada” So people fleeing their country from political crisis isn’t OK unless it’s the USA…

If Canada was a Kingdom, PM Stephen Harper would be a King… …but Canada is a country.

If only people were named after their tattoo’s. This guy standing in front of me in Petro Canada Would be named Machine gun-Snake-Jesus.

I said I was sorry three times looking in the mirror and now I’m in Canada

No matter who wins the election they are going to have a build a wall on the southern border of Canada.

How do you spell Canada in Canadian? C, eh! N, eh!, D, eh!

Canada. Because I love being cold 95% of my life.

What’s the most prominent religion in Canada? Jemima’s Witnesses.

It’s all fun and games until Canada is in charge of the fun and games.

What’s the capital of Canada? Tim Hortons.

How do you kill a 1 legged fox? Make him run across Canada. (sorry)

What’s Canada’s spy agency? The CI, eh?

I’ll tell you what is bordering on the ridiculous… Canada.

Chevrolet has seen a huge drop in sales in Canada They just hate the 2016 Cruze

How did they come up with Canada’s name? Well first they picked a C, eh. Then an N, eh. Then a D, eh.

Why was the Newfie excited when he heard Quebec might leave Canada? It wouldn’t take him as long to drive to Toronto

UK: Hey u ok USA: What UK: I saw what happened USA: Im fine, nothing happened Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over

A Jewish man walks into a cafe in Canada and asks the waiter if they have any Canadian Jews “I’m sorry,” the waiter replied. “We only have orange!”

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

Have you ever wondered where they got the name “Canada”? C, eh. N, eh. D, eh.

In Canada, we don’t count by Mississippi’s, we count by Saskatchewan’s.

Because Nickleback sucks too…. So Avril Lavigne is Married to a fellow Canadian, who is a band member of Nickleback…. Apparently Canada does not have laws against same suck marriage. ba dump bump!

Canada was like, “This is all part of the Northwest Territories,” but the Inuit were having Nunavut.

What’s the most common blood type in Canada? Eh.

What’s Canada’s favorite board game? Sorry

Did you hear about the pissed-off cartographer tasked with redrawing the map of Canada’s largest territory? He was halving Nunavut.

What type of pasta is no longer used in Canada? Penny …

Jokes About Canada I’ve been trying to think of jokes about Canada. I could rib on universal health care, maple syrup, or “sorry”. But no matter what I think of, it always ends up feeling sort of eh.

My new neighbor is fat, obnoxious, and loud. Now I know how Canada feels.

In Canada, a drive by shooting is just a guy using finger guns while winking at a chick he has no chance with.

Why I hated my trip to Canada It was a nice country, but as soon as I saw the flag is just wanted to *leaf*

Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin? A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.

How do you kill a one-legged fox? Tell it to run across canada 😉 boom! Too soon?

WAy back in the day Canada was originally called CND So America calls CND and asks them to spell it so they know what to write on their maps. The guy from CND replies, “C eh, N eh, D eh.”

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

By tomorrow night America will be in a turkey induced coma. On Friday…Canada attacks.

What do you call a Mexican in Canada? ACCOMPLISHED. They crossed two borders!

10 years ago today, Canada received its first indoor toilet.

“How far have you gone with a girl?” “I went to Canada with my mum once”

What do you call a Asian born in Canada Ehsian

Canada plans on removing the polar bear from the Tonnie. And replace it with two gay deer, it’s called two fucking bucks.

I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese

How do you spell Canada? C, eh, N, eh, D, eh

Many people think that Canada’s new Prime Minister is hot. It’s true, though.

I joke but this Scotland thing is nuts. I mean…imagine if Canada ever tried to secede from the U.S.

Why are there so few black hockey players? Because there was no cotton in Canada.

Did you know Canada was initially spelled Cnd? But when they pronounced it, the word came out “C-eh” “N-eh” “D-eh”

If any Americans still feel like emigrating to Canada, can you please bring up some Thanksgiving leftovers?

My neighbor seriously just asked me, “Does Canada have 4th of July?” I said “No, they skip from the 3rd to the 5th, eh? I need to move.

How much of Canada has a person from Iqaluit seen? Nunavut.

What do Filipinos call Canada? Upper U.S.

What do you get when you cross France and Britain? Canada.

I visited Canada and got an STD Hepatitis A.

Americans think of Canada as a United States cover band.

I just saw three dudes wearing denim shirts with denim jeans. Who’s responsible for this shit? Canada? Was it you, Canada?

What is close to stupidity? Mexico and Canada

One-legged Fox How do you kill a Fox with 1 leg? Make him run across Canada.

My next door neighbour is really loud and obnoxious. So now I know how Canada feels. Well, it’s what he would have wanted more.

Why did Trump run in Us instead of Canada? Because He’s worried that he would win with a minority government.

What idiot called it Canada and not the US of Eh?

People doubt me when I mention how accepting Canada is towards the LGBT community. But it’s Trudeau.

People should not move to Canada because of Trump They should go to Mexico, then at least there will be a wall between them and Trump.

TIL the current Prime Minister of of Canada has a tattoo, and is in a cover band called the Van Cats, but… …only the first part was Trudeau.

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.

How do you get Amy Schumer, Rosie O’donnell and Lena Dunham to move to Canada? Piece of cake.

How do you kill a fox? You cut off its leg and make it run across canada

How did Canada name their country? They picked random letters from a hat. C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?

What’s Canada’s intelligence agency called? The C.I. Eh

I looking a a good joke about Canada I need a joke about Canada for my Canadian co-worker. Please help.

In Canada… …you are more likely to be killed by a moose than a terror plot. Damn Mooselisms.

Whats best joke aboot canada? I’m canadian and i was just wondering

How did the founding fathers of Canada name there country? They drew letters from a hat. “A ‘C’ eh! An ‘N’ eh! A ‘D’ eh!” they cried

Canada is so sexist! Why isn’t there a Womanitoba

Canada Post is under heavy DDoS attack. Somebody sent 2 letters at the same time.

One day Canada will take over the world. Then we’ll all be sorry.

My new neighbour is fat, obnoxious and loud… Now I know how Canada feels

Trump wants to build a wall between Canada and the U.S. also Please… please do it… us Canadians will even gladly pay for it

Pokemon Go goes live in Canada today You idiots.

The ironic thing about Americans making fun of Canada is Iowa.

“Apology not accepted” – what to say if you want to fight in Canada

TRUMP: I’m building a wall to keep Mexicans out. AMERICANS: I’m going to Canada if Trump is elected. CANADIANS: We need to build a wall.

Terry Fox should have taken his leg off for his run across Canada in 1980 … and made it the Marathon of Hop

I heard Target is closing all its stores in Canada I guess you can say nobody will miss it

They told me I had to move to Northern Canada. I said I want none of it.

Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO

100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada. 8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.

Canada’s Gas prices… They fell as fast as Greece’s GDP.

If a plane crashes on the US/Canada border, where do you bury the survivors? you dont bury survivors

CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry

What do they call Chipotle in Canada? Chipotl-eh

How did Canada get its name? C eh, N eh, D eh.

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?

What do you get when you let 25,000 Syrian refugees into Canada during the winter? Isisicles

Why is dangerous to have sex in canada eh’ds everywhere

A man asks a Canadian woman if she’d like to have sex… …”Only if you plan to have some yourself.” Ah, Canada. America’s [polite] hat.

On the topic of jokes we made up when we were younger, here’s mine: “How much does Canada cost?” Nothing. It’s a free country.

Can America keep it down? Canada needs to work on Monday.

What do you call a Mexican garden hose in Canada? Joseh

In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.

The Canadian election consists of two men apologizing till one concedes, the winner is then elected king of Canada. Or something like that.

What’s the right age to tell your kids Canada isn’t real?

How did they name Canada? They picked letters out of a hat: C eh, N eh, D eh.

Canada’s navy





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