Some short jokes about sex – part 1

Bill Clinton must be the luckiest man in the world. All of the sex he has, with Hillary, you know it’s hate sex.

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

I don’t judge people based on color, race, religion, sexuality, or gender…I base it on whether or not they’re an asshole.

What did the hillbilly say to his sister after she asked him to have sex with her? If you incest.

I visited Amsterdam this summer, and decided to have sex with a prostitute. It was an overall positive experience. Sadly, it was an HIV positive experience.

I once had a crippiling masturbation addiction… …now i have a sex addiction, could you say my addiction has gotten out of hand?

What are the 3 stages of sex after marriage? Tri-weekly Try Weekly and Try Weakly

What do you call it when a jugaloo sleeps with his girlfriend after a fight? Make up sex.

Over the past year, my sexual fetishes have been slowly getting more perverse. But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I realised I’d hit rock bottom.

What is the best part about having sex with 23 year olds? There’s 20 of them. (Works better in person)

How is light beer like having sex in a canoe? They’re both fucking close to water.

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral] alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

Two blonds are having a conversation. Two blonds are having a conversation when one says to the other “I had sex with a brazilian last night” The other blond replies “WOW that’s a lot of men”

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

Sex makes your day, but anal makes you hole weak..

I get turned on whenever I eat greek dips… …I think I’m a hummusexual.

What do black men find most shocking about sex? Tazers

Why does Anna’s mom encourage her daughter to experiment with sexuality? Because she lives bicuriously through others .

My new years resolution is to have more sex! I Haven’t told my cellmate yet though

The road to recovery from my addiction to sexual innuendos has been a long and hard one. But the end is in sight… I can see it coming.

What do you call a motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual Norse monarchs? The bikings.

What is the worse thing for a guy to say after sex? My name is Barry Allen

I lost my job at the hospital today for sexual assault…. It’s not my fault that they put up a sign that said, ‘stroke patients downstairs’.

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

I figure I must be Bi-sexual. I have sex twice a year.

The last US election had a candidate called Mitt, a devout Catholic and a candidate called Newt, a serial adulterer. One was against same sex marriage and the other was against same marriage sex.

I was sitting on the train this morning, and I saw a really sexy Thai girl I thought to myself, “Please don’t get an erection, please don’t get an erection”, but she did.

Fifty Shades of Grey instills that if a dude is sexy and rich you should allow him contractual ownership of your body because helicopters.

My friend got drunk and thinks he had sex with a prostitute… At first he wasn’t sure, but then he was *positive*.

What’s the difference between a normal pirate and a sexy pirate? The type of booty they plunder.

Sex Joke So an egg walked up to a sperm and said, “You cum here often.”

Football is like Sex your mom sucks at both

Why did the little Dutch boy have to register as a sex offender? He kept on sticking his finger in a tyke.

Whats the number one reason for Pedophilia? Sexy children.

Sex is like a gas station..!! Sometime you get full service… Sometimes you gotta ask for service and sometimes you have to be happy with self service.!

What’s the best part about a redneck family fight? The makeup sex

Recently joined the mile high club sandwich. That’s when you have sex on a plane, and it’s with a sandwich

JOHN AND MARY’S SEX DISCOVERY

What’s so good about having sex with twenty one year olds? There’s twenty of them.

I always study the vagina before sex Because I like to know what I’m getting myself into

who says homosexuality isn’t a decision? i turn women gay all the time.

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

Shoplifting or rape If you have sex with a prostitue and pay with a cheque that bounces is it shoplifting or rape?

Viagra Tea Does nothing for your sexual vigour, but stops your biscuit going soft.

Confucius say… Man who go to bed with sex in mind, wake up with solution in hand.

What sex position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.

Ever want to have rodeo sex? Get on top and call her by the wrong name and try and hold on for 8 seconds.

I was having sex with a woman last night and she kept screaming this other guys name. Who the hell is this “Rape” fellow, anyway?

I wouldn’t say my butt plug the best sex toy… but it’s definitely up there.

Doctor says: “No sex for 6 weeks after birth.” Me: Why? Did her vagina see its shadow? Doctor: Me: Doctor: Please tell me you’re not the father.

ActivityBuddy A new app is sweeping the AppStore, using GPS technology similar to Grindr/ Tinder, ActivityBuddy matches up people who enjoy the same activity. The #1 activity? Anonymous gay sex.

What do you call a homosexual in a wheelchair? Rolaids.

Why are men smarter while having sex? Because they’re plugged into a know it all.

Why do Welsh farmers …. Why do Welsh farmers tend to have sex with sheep on the edge of a cliff? So the sheep will push back

Relationship status: My sex toys have 2 drawers now.You know you’re getting old when everything either dries up or leaks

I don’t know what it is, but there is something strangely sexy about the way my grandad gets down doggystyle so I can wipe him. nevermind.

How do they practice safe sex in Wyoming? They mark the sheep that kick.

Ever wondered why is being gay a sin? It’s simple. We all know 69 as a sex position. Satan’s own number is 666. Now think about gays, and 666 as a sex position.

Wife sneezed… … and told me she was allergic to my hotness. My response: so do you break out in sex?

I identify as a sexual atheist With a strong belief that I will never get laid.

Nsfw. My wife and I had not had sex in a couple months but this morning she woke up randy… He is our neighbor and said her music was up too loud. We still havent had sex.

What’s fun about having sex with twenty-one year olds? You know, there is twenty of them

Man has sex with dead corpse That’s my fetish.

I like my Wifi like I like my sex… Unprotected.

A man asks a woman: “-Did you know that laughter is second best way to convince a girl to have sex with you ? ” “-Really, what is the first ?” “-A knife.” “-Hahaha, you’re so funny !” “-Good choice.”

How are wearing Crocs like having butt sex with a guy? It feels really good until you look down and realize you’re gay.

What do you get when you cross a female tyrannosaur with a male tyrannosaur? Tyrannosaurus Sex! *I apologize deeply, I’m so…so sorry*

So I heard you’re having sex with fruit. What are you, fucking bananas?

Confucius say… …sex on beach is like American beer, very near water.

I had a near miss on my a flight to Thailand. Well a pre-op Transsexual.

The Bible is a fascinating book It’s fascinating how a book with so much sex and violence can be so boring

Sex is not the answer… Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer

Butt sex is a lot like spinach If you’re forced to have it as a child, you probably won’t like it as an adult.

If you don’t like oral sex You should keep your mouth shut

If there’s a sock on my doorknob… It means I’m having sex with the other one.

“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees” “DAD?!” [next day] “Where you going with that broom handle?” “Checkin for squirrels”

How do they practice safe sex in Scotland? They brand the sheep that kick.

What do you get when you have sex with an STD infested mentally challenged person? The slow clap

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Why don’t they have sex ed and drivers ed on the same day in the middle east? There are never enough camels to go around.

How do you determine the sex of a chromosome? Pull down its genes

I tried bringing sexy back but the lady at Walmart assured me I didn’t get it there.

I’m in favour of same sex marriage That’s mainly because I’ve been having the same sex with my wife for the past 20 years

What do American beer and sex on a boat have in common? Both are fucking close to water.

Why are stock traders so good at sex? Same principal, you gotta pull out at the right moment or it costs you.

How did a sexy but unqualified Japanese woman get voted into public office? Erections

Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?

Former District attorney lost job after scandal, now a male sex worker. Most of his jobs are pro-boner

*pokes sex life with a stick

How’s Bud Light like having sex in a canoe? They’re both fucking pretty close to water.

A security camera caught a couple having sex in an elevator. …. They got off on the eighth floor…. then they straightened their clothing and exited the elevator on the 14th floor.

A sexist, a racist and a homophobe walk into a bar Bartender: ‘What will it be, Mr Trump?’

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, “No, one drag is enough.”

Accept it. Your parents HAVE had sex before.

My favourite sex position is the JFK I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

Give it to me straight “I’d really like to have sex with you-” Now give it to me gay “-r boyfriend.”

Sex is a lot like eating It starts with the mouth and ends in the arse

Coffee at McDonald’s is like sex in prison You’ll have no trouble getting it, but it’s rough.

Do you know why there’s no sound when Django has sex? Because the D is silent.

SNAKE: im gonna bite you SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy S: wha- SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me? S: *blushes* well not anymore

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