Born Too Late To Explore The Earth, Born too early to explore the galaxy, Born at just the right time to have sex with virtual reality anime chicks.
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the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
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Anal sex is just like your first car You don’t want it, but your dad gives it to you anyway
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I got caught having sex with the secretary by my wife My wife was crying and saying you cant do this to me! I said: I Know thats why im doing it to her!
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Having sex with a waitress sucks. She only takes the tip.
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police codes 472: loitering 213: man with horse eyes 304: gnarly dirtbike 94: breaking & entering 834: dog smoking weed 58: sexy loitering
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How do New Zealanders practice safe sex? (NSFW) They paint a red X on the back of the sheep that kick.
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A woman asked her husband “what trait of me do you love the most?” ”My beautiful face? My sexy body?” The husband looked at her from top to bottom, and answered, “I love your humor.”
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How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? Phone her.
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Guy says, “damn, there should be a law against having sex this good!” The girl said nothing, for the drugs had left her unconscious.
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[blind date] “I’m like, really good at *looks on hand* making the sex” -did you just read that off your hand? “Hey! You’re not blind!”
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Why is 6 afraid of 7? ‘Cause 7 was a Registered Sex Offender.
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Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.. Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex right there and then. God, I love my new Taser…
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I went door-to-door today telling my neighbors I’m a registered sex offender so they’ll keep their damn kids out of my yard.
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Today a woman came into my doctor’s office with a sexually transmitted mental illness. She was fucking crazy.
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Found my son and his GF naked in his room, Sex-ED is so advanced. Now, they also give homework!
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I’ve just noticed my wife is wearing her sexy underwear. This can only mean one thing She’s behind with the washing.
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I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
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I was arrested for having sex with a 15 year old girl… I dunno, I thought she was older than that. I guess that makes two reasons why I’m a bad father.
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I sexually identify as Counter Strike… *And I’m globally offended*
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“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
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I sexually identify as a pansexual And I have a fetish for cast-iron
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Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
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My wife said sex with me is like a supersoaker water gun! Just two pumps and a squirt!
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Why don’t old women ever have sex? ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
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A man visits a prostitute The man says, “I want to have sex with you for $200, but then I also want to hit you” The prostitute asks, “For how long?” The man replies, “Until I have my money back!”
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What makes light beer and having sex on a canoe essentially the same thing? They are both fucking close to water.
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What do you say if your mom sees you having sex? You say: Look mom, no hands!
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Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.
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100m Dash A girl says to her friend “The last time I had sex was like the 100 meter dash” Her friend says “What, over in 6 seconds?” “No, with 8 black men and a gun.”
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All men approve of premarital sex…until they have a daughter.
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I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
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Has anyone seen my sex doll? Of course I checked the tree house. Oh wait, it’s here on the front lawn, still in your wedding dress LOL
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A young boy died after having sex with his teacher… His friends high fived him to death. Zak galifinakorishdjignko
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[court] ME: Between 10 & 11 p.m. I was having sex JUDGE: Who are you? You’re not even in this trial M: I know, I just want it on record
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What do you call a homosexual man on roller skates? Rolaids.
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If you’re a guy who just had sex, what do you have? Happenis
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Why can’t ears have sex? They could get hearing AIDS!
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Why can’t they teach drivers ed on the same day as sex ed in Egypt? Wears out the camel.
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What do you call a lizard with sex problems? Ereptile Dysfunction
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One problem I had with Catholicism as a child was… all the sexy priests.
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What’s the best remedy for a sex starved drug addict? A jack and coke.
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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I don’t ever have to worry about getting sex… Because I’m married, so I already know I won’t. Takes all the guesswork right out of it.
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I asked my wife for sex recently… She said, “No, it’s a super moon, not a blue one”.
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I’ve heard that 1 in 3 people have a pedophile as a neighbour. But that can’t be right because my neighbours are sexy 5 and 7 year olds.
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How do Mr. and Mrs. Weasley have sex? gingerly.
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The doctor asked if I was sexual active. I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
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Girl hey what’s up? Boy if i tell you, will you sit on it? Sex is like a misdmeanor, the kore i miss it, the meaner i get.
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A college grad offers her boss sex for a raise j/k she doesn’t have a job.
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A wife gets naked… …and asks her husband, ‘What turns you on more! my pretty face or my sexy body?’ Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, ‘Your sense of humor.’
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An Asian girl walks up to me in a bar. She says ***”Sex sex sex, free sex tonight!”*** Apparently she was giving me her number.
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What does a man say after sex? Nothing, he’s happy and content with life.
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The best thing about sex with your sister… …is that if she gets pregnant, you can just blame your dad.
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If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
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I asked a pregnant woman if she would have sex with me. She said “no, I don’t do threesomes”.
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A recent study showed that 93% of the people in Detroit have had shower sex The other 7% have not been to jail.
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“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
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I was glad to see the back of my ex-girlfriend! She always insisted on having sex doggy-style….
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Did you hear about the mutant that had a sex change? She’s an Ex-Man
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Sporty I bought my wife fumarate. Now during sex moans as Sharapova.
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I have a confession to make. I’ve been having sex with my staff. What’s worse is I’m self employed!!!! Badaboom!
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What’s the worst thing your wife can say during sex Honey I’m home
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If 4 people have sex is called a four-some 3 people have sex is a three-some and 2 people have sex is a two-some Now you know why they call me handsome
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[during sex] HER: this isn’t working out ME: *putting sock puppet away* was it something he said?
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What’s the difference between sex and conversation? You don’t know? Well let’s go have a discussion…
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I bought my wife some gloves and a sex toy for her birthday if she doesn’t like the gloves she can go f*ck herself
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Saw this in a Textbook today What’s the best part about having sex with 28 year olds? There’s 20 of them
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Sex through the ages: Age 20-30: Tri-weekly Age 30-40: Try weekly Age 40-50: Try weakly
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What do you call a poster of a sexy pepper? A jalapinup
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What’s the speed limit of sex? 68 Because at 69, you flip over and eat it.
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What do you call an overweight homosexual? Jigglypuff.
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I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
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I just dropped my iPhone in liquor, and now Siri is slurring her words, won’t stop talking, stumbling and trying to have sex with me.
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What are the three words that men hate to hear during sex? “Are you done?”
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I want to write a sexually charged novel with an FBI twist. *Fifty Raids A Day*
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A German man and woman are having sex, and an American walks in… The American shouts “Gross!” and turns away. The German man looks toward him and smiles, saying “Danke!”
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I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
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A homosexual, a pedophile, and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender asks him what he would like to drink.
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Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service!
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How do you make your wife scream during sex? You call and tell her about it.
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What do you call a kangaroo who chases rock stars to have sex with them? A kangaroupie.
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Q: What food diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%? A: Her wedding cake.
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Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
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What do black people do after sex? 15 to life
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Regular sex makes your day. Butt sex makes your hole weak.
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What do you call it when you use your debit card to pay to have sex with a MtF illegal immigrant Paperless trans action
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What do a virgin and a used Prius owner have in common? Neither of them have had sex
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What does a black man do after sex? 15 years.
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What do you call it when homosexual congressmen have lunch together? A Federal Mandate
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This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
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What do you call a Deer with… No eyes?: **No idea** No eyes and no legs?: **Still no idea** No eyes and no legs, having sex? **Still f*cking no idea** And where do you find it? **Where you left it**
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I dont have sex on the first date unless it’s an option
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If you had sex 365 times in one year and melted the rubbers down to make a tire, what would you call it? A fucking Goodyear! ! !
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I’m the girl who shows up at a Halloween party where everyone is dressed as something sexy and I’m dressed as a bean bag.
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If you think my laughter is infectious, you should try having unprotected sex with me.
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When does a heterosexual man leave a gay bar? Straight away.
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Hey girl, I’ve got a sex-Ed project due tomorrow… And I need a 69 to pass.
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Why don’t lawyers have sex with their clients? To prevent double billing.
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What’s the difference between anal sex and regular sex? Regular sex can make your night, but anal sex can make your hole weak.
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Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
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What do books and sex have in common? They both have a climax.
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What do you call a group of homosexual musicians from India who never get to play out? A Gay Raj band
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Why is golf better than sex? It lasts for hours and they are 18 different holes.
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I enjoy much more playing lots of videogames then having sex with Emma Watson.. In that particular order.
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What do two cousins say after they have sex? Roll Tide.
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I never understood why Bill Clinton felt the need to cheat on Hillary . . . After all, she’s proven to be great at getting sex offenders off.
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A priest, a homosexual, and a paedophile walk into a bar…… And then a second guy walks in
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My girlfriend had a sexual fantasy to roleplay as a 14 year old in bed. I think it’s pretty gross. Besides, she’ll be 14 in 2 years anyway.
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My haircuts are just like my sex life Usually do it myself and there’s a big mess I hate cleaning up afterwards.
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I was having sex with a female amputee in the dark I trying to figure out why my ass hurt, but she had me stumped.
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Just found out that my sexy new girlfriend stays in shape by playing football. She’s a keeper.
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Why do women like to be on top during sex? Because they’re over cum with joy.
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There are smart men, handsome men, rich men, sexy men and sweet men and then there is the combination of all. We call that one a “unicorn”
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Putin persecutes homosexuals in his own country… …then goes and enters another country through the back door? Very mixed messages from Russia.
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What is the one thing you don’t want to hear during sex? Honey, I’m home!
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Sex is like Pizza I haven’t had any in a while.
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Why was the horse kicked out of the country western bar? He was a homosexual.
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Oral sex makes your day but… Anal makes your whole week
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“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
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My first time having sex was like my first time riding a bike My dad was holding me from behind .
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Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me. Her: No, I never have…. Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
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Scientists Find Zika Might Be Transmitted by Oral Sex The study suggests a little head may result in a little head.
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An employee and her boss are having sex. Boss: Do you want to change positions? Employee: Uh yeah. Can I be the Assistant Manager?
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I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
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I recently had sex with a biologist at her laboratory. I don’t like to brag, but she had multiple organisms.
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My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
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During sex im like a high energy photon hitting the Earth’s atmosphere… I come fast and dont penetrate very far! … ayyyyy!
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You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
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Why are Mafia members so good at sex? Because they’ve always got a stiff in the trunk.
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Sex can make your day But anal can make your hole weak
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What do you call a women who has had a lot of sex? Her name #Feminist jokes
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Why dont arabs have drivers and sex ed on the same day The camels would get to tired
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I just had sex I don’t know where else to post it
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How do you know you’ve satisfied a redhead? She unlocks the handcuffs. Edit: for everyone that isn’t getting it, it means kinky sex
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If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
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Cow joke. Maybe sex for a cow aint great since the bull dick is jerky.
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Katy Perry is like the girl in the Sexy GirlScout costume at the Halloween party who pretends to like sports, makes blowjob jokes and cries.
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Friends with benefits who are bad at sex …are hard to come by.
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Before taking viagra, ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for sex. Riiight.
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Cooking is like Sex Sometimes it’s Hot and Fast! Other times it’s Slow and Sexy .. I can’t cook
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A teenager goes in for his regular physical Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Teen: No Doctor: Do you smoke or do drugs? Teen: No. I’m also not sexually active. Doctor: Well no shit
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So a horse walks into a bar… The bartender says, “Why the long face?” The horse responds, “They wouldn’t renew Sex and the City for another season.”
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Having sex with children is fucking tight.
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I asked my grandfather for sex advice. He said, “Slow down, you’re going too fast.”
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I’ve been saving up for a sex change, I don’t care what my wife says. SHE’S GOING TO HAVE IT!
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What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary after sex? I’ll be home in 20 minutes.
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What do anal sex and bungee jumping have in common? If the rubber breaks, you’re in the shit.
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Why are men so smart while having sex? Because they are plugged into a fucking know-it-all.
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Guy having sex says “damn, there should be a law against sex this good” To which the girl replies “I think there is daddy”
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A man with a gun enters a bar… …”Who had sex with my wife?” he snarled. A muffled voice heard in the background said, “You don’t have enough bullets for that mate.”
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I told my wife she would look sexier with her hair back… She was pissed! Apparently that’s a insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
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The punchline came early What does this joke have in common with me the first time I had sex?
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Elephants Did you know an elephant’s sexual organs are in its feet? if they step you, you’re fucked!
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Wife told me she wants to have sex in the back of the car… She asked me if I could drive 🙁 Credit to Legend Rodney Dangerfield
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What’s an Ancient Roman’s favorite sex position? LXIX.
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So Richard Simmons is getting a sex change. Finally going to be a man…
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What I learned from Titanic was that you need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person you like cause you never know what might happen.
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My book on tantric sex finally arrived. Damn thing took ages to come.
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I realized that I’m bisexual… When you buy, I get sexual.
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married sext… him: I’ll be home soon her: don’t you threaten me
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A woman walks into a hospital… for a routine checkup on her pregnancy. The nurse looks at her file and says “Oh! Twins! Were they spontaneous?” The woman replies “No, we had sex first.”
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I was having sex with a girl the other day, I was getting tired so I asked her to go on top… She replied “you haven’t raped anyone before have you”.
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A woman lights a cigarette after intercourse “Do you ever smoke after sex?” she asks her husband. “I’ve never checked.”
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Her: What’s your fantasy? Me: Sexy nurse! H: Meet me in the bedroom. [10 minutes later] *we both come in wearing nurse costumes* M: Uh.
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You know you’re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
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What do you call a bunch of Christmas nuts bragging about their sex lives in a hotel lobby? Chestnuts boasting in an open foyer.
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I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he’d had. He started counting but fell asleep. Edit: WOW my top post is now a bestiality joke. Thanks guys 🙂
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What’s the difference between good sex and anal? Good sex makes your whole day, good anal makes your hole weak.
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What do you call a really nice sex addict? Compassionate.
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I said hi to Ellen Pao today She told me to stop being sexist
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What the worst part about pulling a hair clump from the drain of the apartment you just moved into? Waiting for it to dry so you can glue it to your sex doll
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Why does Hillary Clinton want to have sex with Bill first thing in the morning? She wants to be the first lady.
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Did you know that when a pigeon has sex it dies? Well the one that I fucked did
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I heard this joke about a guy who gave oral sex to his sister’s daughter. It was a real niece lapper.
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“Ejaculate” shouldn’t just be strictly a sexual term. I should be able to “ejaculate” out of a restaurant (leave quickly).
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My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex… I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.
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Bud light is alot like sex in a canoe… It’s fucking close to water
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“Thats a sexy little outfit your wearing” I said. “I bet you want my cock in you”. “Dave”, my wife said, “do you know I can hear you on the baby monitor?”
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Had to stop watching Game of Thrones with my parents tonight, because of all the sex. So I’ve recorded it to watch after they’ve finished.
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If you don’t boo at people after bad sex how do you expect them to ever get better?
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Sex is like listening to the Beatles Your parents do it and it somehow doesn’t make it less cool. Shout out to CH, because I heard it here.
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Every time I have sex with a woman I always assume she has herpes… …that way I don’t have to tell her about mine.
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What’s sexist and not a concern for feminist? Misandry
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What did the Eskimo lady ask her husband when they were having sex? Are you even Inuit?
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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I cant even get into my own pants.
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What comes after sextillion? Babytillion! (Creds: my math professor who has her doctorate in mathematics)
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how is sex like math? You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there’s no multiplying.
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[Girl takes off her clothes] “You have had sex before right?” [Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower] … “no actually”
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I’ve been married to my wife for 34 years. We now only have hallway sex… When you pass each other in the hallway and both just say “Fuck You”
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what do you call it when a prostitute cries while having sex hormones
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Why are men smarter during sex? Because they’re plugged into a fucking know it all
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What do Bud Light and having sex in a canoe have in common? They’re both fucking close to water.
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My sexuality is like classic literature. There’s not really any action, and most people are just confused by it.
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I’m organising an event to help raise awareness of male sexual dysfunction, particularly a failure to climax. If you can’t come, let me know.
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What do you call a homosexual on rollerskates? Rolaids!
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So I suggested to my wife that she’d look sexier with her hair back… Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
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What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds? There are twenty of them..
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When it comes to sex. No means yes. and yes? that means anal.
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I’m appalled by the amount of sex, violence and profanity on TV. It’s too fucking low.
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Apparently 95% of the girl like to be waking up by oral sex !!! Well its not true, “WHO ARE YOU AND REMOVE THIS FROM MY MOUTH” Said the girl in the park yesterday !!
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What’s the best thing about fucking a transsexual? You can reach around the front and you think you went all the way through.
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Why don’t old people have sex? Have you ever tried to open a grilled cheese sandwich?
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My wife likes to talk to me after sex. It really bugs me when she calls me from her hotel room.
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