Some short jokes about Germany

Why does Germany have so many different kinds of bread? Well, we had to do something with the ovens.

Why did both Germany and the U.S want to hire Apes during World War Two? Because they are excellent at waging Gorilla warfare!

Q: What country is ill? A: Germany.

Why did Germany run out of gas? Because they gave it to the Jews I’ll be in Argentina for awhile.

A far right party wins an election in Germany with 60% of the vote. I did nazi that coming

I tried to upload the Brazil vs Germany game to pornhub… But they removed it for rape

What do Nazi Germany and vaginas have in common? Their tendency to subjugate poles.

How do you greet a slice of bread in Germany? Gluten tag! Ba-dum tss.

I went to the largest campsite in germany it was mein kampf by blitz creek

Fun fact about Germany… Fooled ya… There’s nothing funny about Germany

Where do bacteria like to vacation? Germany

What date is it today? Brasil/Germany Or Germany/Brasil in some countries.

I don’t know why they run marathons in Germany…. They have a history of not finishing races.

What do you call Minecraft in Germany? NEIN-CRAFT!

What is the date in Germany/Brasil today? 7-1. (world cup)

When Germany won the World Cup, I did nazi that coming.

I complimented my chemistry professor, who’s from Germany, “Sir, you’re so effervescent.” He replied, “Did you effer see me when I effer vasn’t?”

How tall does the grass grow in Germany? Nein feet tall.

If Hitler wanted to keep the Jews out of Germany He should have just charged admission

In Germany, we know of a joke The French military.

Yesterday in the World Cup, England beat Germany for the first time in recorded history. In fact, it’s the first time England has won anything on the 4th of July.

I heard Nintendo once planned to change Donkey Kong’s name for their audience in Germany There, he was originally gonna be called “Danke Kong”

In Germany things generally go from bad to Wurst.

It’s International Holocaust Remembrance Day And Fugghedaboutit Day in Germany.

Michael Jordan tried escaping his nickname in Germany… but they still called him Herr Jordan.

Do you know why there are so many great bakeries in Germany? They had to do *something* with all of the ovens.

Breaking News: Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.

How many goals did Germany score? A brazillian

Ovens You hear? Germany is now coming out with a new line of ovens…4 seaters and 6 seaters

Germany used to have a large French speaking region. It was called France

Best/worst joke out of a trip through Germany “Knock Knock” “who’s there” “brat” “brat who?” “bratwurst”

What do they call brassieres in Germany? Holdzemfromfloppen

Why did the USSR agree to a nonaggression pact with Nazi Germany? They were Stalin.

What’s today’s date? Germany/Brazil/2016

What do you say when someone hands you a nice, ripe blunt in Germany? Danke

A young musician left his priceless Stradivarius violin on a train in Germany. But it was returned… no strings attached. Wait…what ?

I’m gonna open a bakery in Germany. I’ll call it “Gluten Tag!” K-THX-BAI!!!!!

We have a saying in Germany. It is better to have loved and lost than to engage in a land war with Russia in the winter.

german jesus why jesus not born in germany?there was not three wise men and not one virgin around

How can you use a banana as a compass? Place a banana on the Berlin Wall. East is where a bite has been taken out of it. [Source](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/East_Germany_jokes)

How did Hitler originally get into power? “Let’s make Germany great again”

What is most popular hearthstone deck in Germany? Patron Warrior because Everyone Get in Here

A student sits at his desk and begins his economics exam. He opens the paper and reads the first question. To Germany, how much is Greece worth – 1 mark

Why was the Turkey v Germany match called off? There were too many fowls.

How many goals did Germany score? A Brazillion.

What do you call a boyscout in WWII-era Germany? A knotzi.

How disturbingly inappropriate would it be if “Thomas the Tank Engine” was set in early-1940s Germany? #ThomasDieKleineLokomotive

I don’t know what Germany’s favorite letter is but I can definitely tell you it’s… Not C.

CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems??? GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation??? USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA

Which country has the nicest children? Germany. German children are kinder.

You know what else has a 2-0 score between the USA and Germany? The world wars

Why does Poland stay from Germany? a couple decades ago they had a three way with Russia that ended poorly

Germany vows revenge after Brazil’s goal yesterday This must not go unpunished

Why did France really surrender to Germany? *Hitler was being Vichy.* [Just thought of this earlier in the shower… Had gas ever since.]

No matter how kind you are Germany children will always be kinder

Why did Hitler move from Germany to Westeros in full support of the Starks? Because he saw real hope for an Aryan nation.

DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine! MOM: Where do the poops go DAD: dunno! [CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942] HITLER: omfg

Did you hear about the guy who killed people on the train in Germany? Seems like he wanted to be an axe-man.

knock knock, who’s there? An ass load of Brazil v Germany posts of which 5% are actually funny.

Pornhub has banned submissions of the Germany-Brazil game. They don’t allow rape videos.

Germany really put a whoopin on Brazil today… But it’s still not as bad as when they beat Israel 6,000,000-0

In germany there are lots of jokes about the polish, so… What did Piotr get for christmas? … Your iPod!

An American tourist in Germany… While in Germany, an American tourist saw a man peeing in a fountain. “GROSS!” She said. “Danke!” He said.

I saw many places when I fought in WWII.. But I did Nazi Germany.

Why don’t nervous vegans visit Germany? They fear the wurst!

Did you know that Germany was the original creator of the Amazing Race? They tried to introduce it back in 1933. But the show caust too much.

which country has the maximum number of bacteria, fungus, viruses and other micro organisms? GerMany

Need jokes about Germany/German people Friend of mine going to Germany. Want to wallpost lame jokes on his wall. The cringeworthier the better.

Why did Russia sign the non-aggression pact with NazI Germany? They were Stalin for time.

So Cologne, Germany during WW2 was bombed and decimated by fire. I am sure the fire smelled pretty nice.

Germany 7 – 1 Brazil

Why hiring foreign workers can be bad… Boss: Where were you born? Woman: Germany Boss: Really? Which part? Woman: what you mean which part? Whole body born in Germany!

Why doesn’t Coffee get along with milk in Germany? Cause it doesn’t want to be latte. Sorry. I just came up with this lame joke. Downvotes ahoy!

Why do refugees in Germany smell like shit? Because they’re too scared to go in the showers.

With the Germany Argentina final on the way, we will finally know which one of the two Popes is God’s favorite.

You can lose weight if you don’t eat foods that start with capital letters. Even faster if you live in Germany!

What did Germany say to Britain during World War II? I’d luft to waffe a few bombs in your direction.

How do you call it, when the internet is not working in Germany? “InterNEIN”

Why does math class teach kids about Japan, Germany, and Italy? Because they learn about the x-axis.

What do you call riot police in Germany? Kraut Control

What did they call taxi drivers in Nazi Germany? Ubermensch.

How did people travel through Germany when Hitler was in power? Not sea. Get it? like Nazi. but not sea. get it?

What do you call a hot girl in Germany ? Tourist

Germany Vs Brazil Guess we can say it wasn’t even klose.

*Tweets funniest tweet ever *Dies laughing *Over 6 billion die laughing *Germany and Russia survive *Coz nobody left to explain the joke

I did not expect Brazil to get beaten this badly by Germany I really did Nazi it coming

So a silver mine collapsed in Germany… So a silver mine collapsed in Germany, I guess you could say that’s one mein fuhrer. I don’t know if that exists or not, but as far as I know, I made that up.

TIL something incredibly shocking about Germany’s former Chancellor… …he was **literally** Hitler

How can you tell if a turkey is from Germany? By the way it Goebbels

What do Jews in Nazi Germany and children at Penn State have in common? They’re both afraid of showers

Why british wete at war with nazi germany? Because they couldnt afford another Aryans stealing their tea.

Hitler was hunting in the forests of Germany, but he forbade the harming of male deer because… …they were Reichstags.

So 2 trains crashed in Germany today… Lets just hope the train wasn’t going to Auschwitz or more then Germans would have gotten injured.

Europe. Made in Germany.

What happened to the car-salesman who was spamming in r/Germany? He got autobahned

My Grandpa owned a hot dog chain in Germany… You might have heard of it…”Anne’s Franks”

A Spaniard, an Irish man, and a Greek go into a brothel. Who pays? Germany

The weather forecast is looking pretty bad over in Germany. There’s a high chance of heil.

Where would we be in the world without humour? Germany.

A Briton is on vacation in Germany. The man walks into a bar. Dies.

I love when commercials are like “because four million people can’t be wrong,” because then I’m like, “Really? even Nazi Germany?”

Poland… Poland – a country between Russia to the east and Germany to the west. If they piss Russia off, they turn the gas off. If they piss Germany off they turn the gas on.

Danke for calling Germany. To order beer, press 1. To order weapons, press 2. To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.

Why should you never bet on Germany at the Olympics? They have the worst track record for finishing a race.

How much does it cost to clean up Germany? About 6 million.

Germany opens a summer school for kids with ADD Its a concentration camp

What was the most popular TV show in Ancient Rome and Germany in early AD? Whose Rhine Is It Anyway?

Why are many electronics handbooks banned in Germany? diepole

France vs Germany was a close game… it ended in a shootout.

I want to open a gay bar in Germany called Pole-Land. You know they’ll invade the place.

Morning after The morning after pill…did you know it’s called the “anti-baby pill” in Germany? And in Sweden it’s called the “regret pill”. However in Chicago it’s called the “crime fighter” pill.

What does Snoop Dogg eat when he visits Germany? Schiznitzel.

f Germany is the “Fatherland” and Russia is the “Motherland”, was the Second World War a divorce case?

Germany are welcoming refugees like war heroes because they had never had the chance to welcome the real thing. I’m mean.

Tomorrow France plays Germany… Their defense will try to last 90 minutes and beat their World War 2 record…

My grandfather died in a concentration camp in Nazi Germany… … he fell from a watchtower when he got drunk again.

Seriously when the crooked hamburger took it on the 1am where did it go? Heidelburg-er Germany!

My grandad fought in the war, he was posted to germany. He was Missing In Action for weeks, because the army couldn’t afford recorded post.

How do you get to Nazi Germany It’s on the third right EDIT: Woah this is like my third day here front page? I feel special now.

A Greek, a Spaniard and a Portuguese all walk into a bar. Who pays? Germany.

The U.S. is scheduled to play Germany soon at the World Cup. President Obama and German Chancellor Angela Merkel already have a bet going. The loser keeps Hasselhoff.

Which country has the most number of bacteria, viruses, fungus and other micro-organisms? GerMany

Breaking news: Messi won’t be playing against Netherlands He is suffering from extreme abdominal pain caused uncontrollable laughter caused by watching Brazil vs Germany

ZERSETZUNG funny because America is not east germany? not even mad. grateful for unexpected opportunity to defend constitution.

In Germany, these are the three main fat groups: 1. Gesattigt Fett (Saturated Fat) 2. Trans Fett (Trans Fat) 3. Boba Fett

Handball 🙂 Germany is now the handball European champion. But it seems it was the easiest win in Poland since 1939 for a german team.

*invents time machine* *goes to 1930 germany* *points guns at young hitler* What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?

Why couldn’t Germany win a world war? Because they’d Russia lot

The USA just beat Germany 2-0 Just like the score for the World Wars.

What country are you most likely to get a disease? GERMany.

Why is it hard to sell bibles in Germany? Because it’s a Nietzsche Market.

Germany’s survey (x-post from r/German_Humour) Survey in Germany: ‘Do you thing there are too many foreigners in Germany?’ 10%: ‘YES!’ 10%: ‘NO!’ 80%: ‘ !’

Please listen closely… Attention: Tonight I will attempt to travel back in time and change history. You’ll know I’ve succeeded if Germany loses WWII and Wednesday comes *after* Tuesday.

Why is Germany taking in immigrants because they have the camps.

In light of Germany’s discovery of ISIS using mustard gas: What do you call a soldier who’s survived mustard gas and pepper spray? A seasoned veteran.

Why was Germany in debt after WWII? The gas bill was too high.

Just got back from Germany… and let me tell ya, their meat is the Wurst.

So I just got back from a trip in Germany, and I realized how awful American children are. While they may be nice and all where I live in NYC, kids in Germany are kinder.

Why did Snoop Dogg go to Germany? For Schnitzel.

I’m in Germany. Time to drink precisely one bier (beer) and call every man “Hans”

New fast food chain in Germany Apparently is called “In-and-Auschwitz Burgers.” The slogan is “Bacon isn’t the only thing cookin in the oven!”

If I had a time machine I’d go back to Germany in 1933 and change my Facebook avatar to an anti-Nazi logo.

Why’s it so hard to find marathon and triathlon reviews in Germany? Well, you know what happened last time they picked a race…

ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history. You’ll know I’ve succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.

What did Hitler say when he rose to power? Give me all Germany. (Ger-money) Yeah I’m sorry. On my way out.

Why did the blind Jew hate driving in Germany? When it came to speed bumps, he did nazi them coming

Why was the horizontal plane judged in Germany? It was x-axis

Why did Germany lose WW2? Three Reichs and you’re out

A 13-pound baby was born in GERMANY?? C’mon Mississippi, this is why we keep you around

I’ve always wanted to meet a Syrian … That’s why I’m travelling to Germany next year.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany? A. German Shepherds.

What do you call a Germany virgin? Good ‘n’ Tight

How many goals did Germany score? gerMANY

Sleeping in central park Is it going too far to equate my experience sleeping in central park to being a Jewish person in nazi germany…

I have a joke from Germany Just kidding, we have no sense of humor.

Why did it take so long for Americans to beat Germany in WW2? They weren’t Russian.

Did you hear the score of the Germany Vs Ethiopia game? Germany 8, Ethiopia didn’t.

Grocery shopping on a diet is easy in Germany.. Just look for the *gluten tag*.

Germany Q1: What would Germany be called had they not surrendered at the end of WW2 ? A1: Gerfew Q2: What would Germany be called if the issue in Q1 happened before the holocaust? A2: Jewmany

East and West Germany In West Germany your job determines your Marks. In East Germany Marx determines your job.

How was Germany able to Take over Poland so easily. They marched backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.

This might be an uncomfortable subject for some… But we need to start talking about Germany’s plans to drill for oil in 2940.

Did you hear Poland bought 5,000 septic tanks? As soon as they figure out how to drive them, they’ll invade Germany.

The Brazil v Germany game last night… …the most embarrassing semi since I watched Brokeback Mountain with the wife.

This recent question was presented to a German national: What do you think is the biggest problem in Germany? Uncertainty or indifference?’ He answered: I don’t know and I don’t care!’

the united states russia argentina and germany walk into a bar…… germany turns to argentina and says “hey wanna go into the country with me” HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH get it?

How many countries border Germany? Nein!

This Brazil v. Germany World Cup Game.

People say that sex ed classes in America are uncomfortable. But I think that history classes in Germany are worse. “Hey kids, you’ll never guess what your grandparents did…”

How does Germany pay for all these refugees? Krautfunding.

Brazil – Germany, the most embarrassing semi since… … I watched Brokeback Mountain with my Dad.

Why did the NSA spy on Germany ? Because after meeting with Merkel, they heard Obama say “I’d tap that”.

A recent study conducted in Germany by Professor Bernd Ottovordemgentschenfelde proves that 99.9% of people skip his name

Fun facts about Germany No fun in Germany, go back to work!

What do they say when you leave an abortion clinic in Germany? Al-fetus-zane

Why is Germany uninhabitable for cats? They have nein lives!

After the apocalypse, in cannibalistic Germany, “Kindergarten” takes on a new, darker meaning.

My friend recently tried to get appointed chancellor of Germany but failed. I told him he was literally worse than Hitler.

What is the national vegetable of Germany? *Michael Schumacher.*

Let’s face it, it’s not the first time Germany’s sent a bunch of blokes to the showers in tears.

Exam question: According to Germany how much is Greece worth? [1 Mark]

What s a Muslim s favorite cologne? GERMANY!!!!

Brazil – Germany Football Game Ok, I see Germany scored a touchdown and point after, but how the heck did Brazil get 1 point?

Need help with a joke! What’s a funny reason that Germany or Germans can’t be trusted that doesn’t have to do with nazis?

Dettol went to GERMANY Now its called ANY.

If you are standing with one foot in France and one in Germany taking a piss, what are you? European

Is it safe to visit the forests of Germany? I heard there could be a baum.

Germany Cracks Down on Muslim Sex Attacks By Giving Girls No’ Tattoos Other choices include “No Anal” “No Creampies” “No Bukkake”

Third time’s a charm… Is a much darker phrase in Germany

Why was the toilet paper in East Germany so harshly? So every asshole would turn red.

What’s green and flies over Germany ? Snazis. This insanely corny joke brought to you by my Dad, circa 1990. May he rest in peace!

Going to youtube with your VPN set to Germany on :/

I asked my German friend how many jews there are in Germany today He replied: I don’t know, do you want me to gas? (This is conversation actually took place like an hour ago)

America is still a British colony In England we speak English In France we speak French In Germany we speak German In China we speak Chinese In America we speak English *drops mic and leaves*

Why did Germany win so many battles in WW I? They had baron.

Why are there no cats in Germany? Because they have nein lives.

A Portuguese, a Greek, and a Spaniard go into a brothel. Who pays? Germany.

Country Music Album My friends don’t seem to be enjoying my attempt at a Country Music album. It bothers them that the song about Germany runs straight into the song about Poland.

Germany loses at home, and Japan beats America in overtime… M. Night Shyamalan’s pitch for a World War II movie.

What is the date in Germany/Brasil in about a month from now? Germany/Brasil 7-1

Why did Germany hold a ceremony for the Greek bankruptcy? They wanted to give credit where credit was due.

What sea mammal controls Nazi Germany? Adolf-in

My favorite thing about Germany the children are kinder

My friends in Germany were complaining that they couldn’t find a good bagel anywhere… well whose fault is that?

What is Germany’s favorite game? Mein Kampf

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